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On New Year's Eve, the host of an extravagant party stood up in the middle of the room and announced that, at the stroke of midnight, she wanted every man to be standing next to the person who made his life worth living. This was a bad idea. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

You know it's past time for a New Year's Resolution to get serious about your diet when you step on a talking scale and it says, "One at a time, please!"

Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. - Mark Twain